Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Empathy
In light of the new widespread belief that more empathy is what humanity needs most, can you imagine someone being accused of having too much empathy? Well, I have come to believe that there is indeed such a thing, and I refer to it as toxic empathy. What follows is an abbreviated explanation of what I mean by this within the context of Narcissistic emotional abuse.
Since victims of narcissistic abuse perfect the art of stepping into other people’s shoes, because they are conditioned to take on the role of regulating their abuser’s emotions. They learn to feel into the abuser’s internal experience to anticipate and fulfill their needs. Intuiting the abuser’s emotions is a form of what’s called adaptive intelligence since the victim learns that by somehow buffering the abuser from experiencing states of stress, agitation, dissatisfaction, etc. they are less likely to be targeted by the Narcissist’s arsenal of abusive tactics. For these victims, having developed empathy as a superpower was nothing less than a necessary and resourceful survival mechanism.
Attempting to regulate the abuser’s inner experience requires hyper-vigilance and a finely tuned empathic “radar.” Victims of narcissistic abuse know all about this perpetual state of heightened anxiety because it’s necessary to maintain it whenever the narc is around. Merging with someone else’s experience requires de-activation of the personal boundaries needed to maintain a separation line between one person’s experience and another’s. The eventual erosion of this separation line is what can cause a toxic form of empathy.
One of the main differences between healthy and toxic empathy is that the latter is developed as a self-protective mechanism and becomes your default mode of relating to others, and it weakens your ability to consciously regulate your emotional and energetic boundaries. When you have toxic levels of empathy, you feel like a sponge for other people’s energy, both positive and negative.
Victims of Narcissistic abuse often report that toxic empathy manifests in several ways, including:
- Feeling obligated to manage and regulate other people’s needs
- Weakened sense of boundaries — difficulty differentiating between your emotions and the emotions of others
- A tendency towards enmeshment and co-dependent relationships
- Putting other people’s needs before your own
- Decreased ability to discern your own needs
- An under-developed sense of personal identity and autonomy
- Feeling a sense of guilt or responsibility when other people are disappointed or in a bad mood
- Excessive care-taking, people-pleasing, and self-sacrificing
Two books by Pete Walker empowered me to begin detoxifying my deep reservoir of empathy, and I hope they will do the same for you!
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.
